A Phase Shift :(

'Twas a roll and twist of days, and my 2017 was indeed tough and hard for me. That year made me so strong until God has allowed me to finally took my place, and I flourished. I graduated, became an engineer, had a wonderful job, and I was so happy and thankful. 

I was indeed overwhelmed with joy. I really wished 2017 won't end because there was a part of me that is afraid of what's gonna happen in 2018. I guess, my nerves and cells are too sensitive for the coming days and I wasn't wrong. 

Mama and I are finally together after years of being so distant from each other. I can finally bring her to beautiful places, bring her to those restaurants and try different dishes that she haven't tasted before, buy her many clothes and sandals and most of all we will be able to celebrate special days together. Aren't those things beautiful to think and desire about? 

My heart is filled with hope for such things, even my mind is escalating in faith for better days for me and her. 

But there are really circumstances in our lives that are beyond our control, Mama's sick. Cancer is robbing her health. It steals her laughter and it corrupts her aspirations in life. 

It pains me to see her suffer. Everytime I listen to her cries of anguish, I can't help myself from running to the bathroom and burst out silently. I let the water pours out in the tub so that no one could hear my screech. My mind wants to ask Him but my heart is so strong to contradict and let me trust His heart. 

At first, she suffered in minutes, as days passed by, it turned to hours, and now, it moved up to days. Oh God!!! It breaks me every night, but I have to be strong. 

I hold her with so much love. I always tell her that I love her, and to me she's the best in the world! I look at her in a way that I can somehow transmit the courage and faith I have in my heart. It happens everyday and every night. 

Last night was different. It was the hardest for me. Well I know, it will just turn out to be one of the hardest. She called me to come close to her, she told me her body is getting worst. She's feeling pain everywhere. She can't sleep. I just listened to her and my heart started to melt in pieces. I realized that I have to record our conversation so I did. What's so heartbreaking about it? She already asked me if i'll be okay if she'll leave me soon, and I didn't realized tears fell off my eyes. I breathed! And i told her, i'll be strong mama. I felt my entire body shook and my heart was nailed into pain. 

That convo covered lasted half an hour. It was filled with her wants when she dies. I just thank God because He gave me so much strength to absorb everything. I gulped in pain, I felt being tormented but I tried my very best to handle it in a healthy way. 

I decided to start counting the days and I became more thankful and grateful that I could still see and be with her. My heart is still hopeful believing she will survive and she will continue to survive each day because she's a wonderwoman. 

I don't know when will be the next time I'll write next about this but I know, God's grace will never runs out on me. 

KaFaith!!!